Christmas Grinch

BA-HUMBUG: It took me 22 years to realize just where Scrooge and the Grinch were coming from. Don't get me wrong, I love Hannukah, Christmas, and all other wintery-fuzzy-feel-good-go-hug-a-buddy holidays. But it is possible to overdo something. And we, as the people of the United States, delve into Christmastime excess like nobody's business.

Many people take on the holiday like a full-time job. Everyone has to give someone else a present. Why? Because a dead carpenter said so. Records show that Jesus was a great guy and all, but having the worlds largest economy based around his birthday, that falls under the "ludicrous" category. I really don't know how it happened, but Christmas is the heartbeat of the U.S. retail industry. I know firsthand. Ever hear of black friday? It's the day after thanksgiving, when holiday shopping makes a lot of businesses go from the red (in debt) to the black (bling).

If you've ever been to South Carolina, home of the equator of the Bible Belt, you'd know that we do Christmas right. Whereas Christmas is usually a one-day thing and often spelled "XMas" in other parts of the country, down here it's a month long holiday, much like Ramadan. It goes from the day after Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve. It's not uncommon to see trailers down here with lights left up year-round.

Now I'm glad that we have something reliable to set our shopping clocks to. But from my experience, it simply isn't worth the stress, time, and money to go through the whole charade. I have an interesting perspective on the whole ordeal, being a man of mixed Judeo-christian heritage. I pick and choose my holidays to suit. Lately, I've been shunning off the whole Christmas thing, it simply isn't worth it. The Christmas-day dinner is good, and using the day for an excuse to bum some cash off the parents is worth it, but the rest is just pure stress.

Which brings me to my biggest pet peeve, gift cards. Why, oh why would you ever buy a gift card? These are awful for a few reasons: One, you're letting Best Buy or Sears or whoever hold on to some money for you for no reason at all. Two, you're limiting your supposed "friend" to what he/she can buy with said money.

Solution: Deliver a $50 bill (or however generous you're feeling), with a note attached saying "Spend this at a Best Buy if you want". There, instant gift card. And you save yourself the awful trip to holiday-mobbed stores.

The real driving force of Christmas is simple: Guilt. It was forces you to go out, spend your money on stupid things that often end up in the landfill, and be miserable for a month. If you pay your dues, spend enough money, and put a sufficent number of miles on your car and your shoes waiting in long store lines, you might be afforded a few hours of peace on Christmas Day, if you're lucky. If not, Guilt will be busy consuming you.

My recommendation: Bake a huge batch of cookies, give them to all your friends, and do away with the superfluous present giving. If you have the urge to give someone a present, give them one! Don't wait for Mr. Wal Mart to tell you it's time to give someone a present. There's no rule against present-giving on days other than Dec. 25.

Of course, as I think back, I realize there is a purpose to the whole charade: We do it for the kids. I remember some great Christmas and Hannukah holidays, happily obvlivious to the hell that our parents went through to put on the whole thing for us. And most people will have similar memories. I think a lot of people are trying to recapture what they felt as a kid, but unfortunately, we're just not that simple as we get older.

JOTD: Who's the most popular guy in the Nudist Colony? The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a half-dozen donuts.